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Entering The “Twilight” Zone Is Painful Experience

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

I love the movies. I thank my late father for inspiring my first love. I am willing to see almost anything as long as popcorn is available.
This is background to a story about what happened to me around 6:30 Friday night.
I got a call from my sister-in-law asking me what I was doing. I was watching the nightly news and had no plans.
Her husband was sick and she desperately wanted to go to the movies. She had called all her female friends and no one was available. Her teenage daughter had seen the movie she wanted to see at midnight the night before. So I was her last resort.
My sister-in-law knows I’ll see almost anything. I asked her what she wanted to see.
“Breaking Dawn,” she said.
When I say I will practically see anything, I should have added that anything doesn’t include “The Twilight Saga.”
“But I haven’t seen the other movies,” I said. I didn’t even know how many “Twilight” movies I had missed. She said she would fill me in during the five-minute ride from her house to the movies.
When she sensed my reluctance, she added “The New York Times gave it a great review.”
I should add I love my sister-in-law. She isn’t a vampire but looks a lot younger than the milestone birthday she is about to hit.
Unbeknownst to her, I had been to the movies that afternoon to see “Drive,” an incredibly violent flick starring Ryan Gosling as a Hollywood stunt driver who moonlights as a criminal and stumbles into a $1 million misunderstanding with a mobster. So I figured I had my testosterone fix and could feed my feminine side by seeing “Breaking Dawn.”’
I agreed to go. When I got to her house, I told my brother-in-law that I didn’t know who owed me more – his wife or him. He smiled and pointed to himself. I immediately wondered if he was sick or faking.
In the ride to the theater, my sister-in-law gave me a quick summary of the first three films I missed and the love triangle between  a human, Bella (Kristen Stewart), vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) and werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner). They actors are all in the picture above.
My sister-in-law – did I not say she looks much younger than her age? – sounded like a teenager.
I settled into my seat and realized I was outside of the demographic for the movie by only about 40 or 45 years. The first 45 minutes were so slow that they seemed to last longer than the first 45 years of my life as Bella and Edward prepared to get married. I was thinking, what was The New York Times thinking?
I passed the time thinking of where I had seen some of the secondary actors in the film before. My father started me on that practice. Peter Facinelli, who has orange hair and plays Edward’s father, stars in Showtime’s “Nurse Jackie.” The actress playing Edward’s mom was on “Grey’s Anatomy” and had her own TV series a few years back. I spent 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to remember her name and the series. I looked it up today and discovered it was Elizabeth Reaser, who starred in “The Ex List” and appeared on “The Good Wife” last season.
My thoughts were interrupted by a lot of audience laughter, which prompted me to ask my sister-in-law if I was watching a comedy and didn’t realize it. “Not really,” she said. There were more laughs than there are in the latest Ben Stiller movie, “Tower Heist.” (I told you I will see anything).
The planning for the wedding and the actual ceremony seemed to last longer than some marriages I know. Eventually, Bella and Edward consummated their marriage.
Shall we say, Edward was quite an energetic lover. Forget fireworks. This was more like a five-alarm fire. Edward’s bed-breaking, lovemaking seemed to be a bad message for all the teenage girls in the audience wondering what their wedding night is going to be like. I mean expectations can be a killer.
The honeymoon was shorter than Kim Kardashian’s. I didn’t realize that having sex with a vampire isn’t a good idea for a human. I guess you could say this was an educational movie in that sense. Bella was almost instantly pregnant, and the demon within her was threatening her life.
That prompted Jacob to become very mad at Edward, which at least eventually led to some action scenes involving vampires and werewolves. Those scenes woke me up from my wedding stupor.
At film’s end, my sister-in-law clapped. I did so silently for a different reason. I was thankful that it was over.
Apparently, I didn’t disguise my opinion of the film to well. My sister-in-law thanked me for going and added “I know you hated it.”
I tried to find something good to say about it. But I really don’t see why Pattinson and Lautner are heartthrobs and I was surprised to see that Stewart doesn’t have perfect teeth like most young actresses. You can see how focused I was on the plot.
A few minutes after I dropped my sister-in-law back home, I got a text from my brother-in-law.
“I heard that you hated it. Predictable. Thank you. Now I can wait a year and watch it on Amazon.”
I wrote back: “Your wife is good company. As far as the movie goes, I was in more pain than Bella, who was giving birth to a demon child.”
On the way home, my sister-in- law advised me (or was it warned me?) that Part 2 of “Breaking Dawn” comes out in a year. I love my sister-in-law. But I hope her husband is healthy or one of her friends is around because I’d rather meet the character than Ryan Gosling played in “Drive” in a dark alley than see the next “Twilight” movie.
Of course, the producers of “Breaking Dawn” got the last laugh. It pulled in about $140 million over the weekend, which can pay for a lot of broken beds and maybe even a better scriptwriter.
Consider this blog a warning to all potential moviegoers on Thanksgiving week. Happy Thanksgiving! See you next week.
pergament@msn.com

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